Quotes about Humor

I have a special pair of poop shoes under my desk. Whenever I need to drop a deuce, I slip them on and scurry to the restroom, and no one ever knows it's me. Like, if I'm wearing Louboutins that day, and my producer sees Earth shoes in the stall....well, you get the idea. It was truly a lightbulb moment when that came to me.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

Now produce your explanation and pray make it improbable.

Imagination is a quality that was given to man compensate him from whats not. The sense of humor was given to console him from what is.

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.

A man who takes himself too seriously will find that no one else takes him seriously.

If I could get back my youth, I'd do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable.

How clever are you, my dear! You never mean a single word you say!

Man who fart in church, sit in pew.

Harrogate grinned uneasily. They tried to get me for beast, beast … Bestiality? Yeah. But my lawyer told em a watermelon wasnt no beast. He was a smart son of a bitch. Oh boy, said Suttree.

Stop me if you've heard this one. Mickey Mouse is filing for divorce and the judge looks down and he says: I understand that it is your contention that your wife Minnie Mouse is mentally deranged. Is that correct? And Mickey says: No, Your Honor, that's not what I said. What I said was she's fucking nuts. The