Quotes from Conan O'Brien
A Texas bank robber wrote his hold-up note on the back of his resume, on which he lied about his earlier robberies.
— Conan O'Brien
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.
— Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.
— Conan O'Brien
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.
— Conan O'Brien
The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'
— Conan O'Brien
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein Because he hates America he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French people.
— Conan O'Brien
Sales of George Orwell's 1984 have skyrocketed. It's true. So the fallout from the (NSA spying) scandal is worse than we thought. It's forcing Americans to read.
— Conan O'Brien
The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'
— Conan O'Brien
Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen
— Conan O'Brien
A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.
— Conan O'Brien
Being a dad is the greatest, except for assembling things.
— Conan O'Brien
If you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
— Conan O'Brien